Discontents, Scrambled Eggs

"You'll find it a bit lonely on my side."
"Your side always was a bit lonely."
- The Bride and Bill (Kill Bill, Vol. II)

An accurate summary of my social life. I'm good at making people like me. I can maintain several superficial relationships and social circles, ensuring that I always have a place to sit in the dining hall (unless I feel like sitting alone). This isn't to say that I don't have any real friends; I do care very deeply about several people. However, I've always kept my peers at arms distance. I don't know why, and I'm not upset about it. It's just what I do.

Call me egocentric. Call me irresponsible, ignorant, lonely, anti-social, or even cruel. I am who I am, and I know I am none of those things. College is not my cup of tea, and I'm finally realizing it's acceptable to pull back from the social scene and do what I want to do to keep myself happy.

One of these activities happens to be cooking. Today's menu: scrambled eggs with spinach, potato, garlic, scallion, and cheddar cheese. English muffin on the side.

Lost: A Night and Some Dignity

On Monday morning last week, I felt phenomenal. Self-respect had been preserved through the weekend, the reflection in the mirror could smile and say she was a good and strong person who knew how to have fun, how to keep herself in control, and how to love who she was.

Fast forward to now.

Last night was a good ol' $hit $how, including a stop at the $lum. It also involved multiple drinks (strike 1), several incidents of girl love in front of runners (strike 2), and confessions of love to friends I would prefer not to risk losing over silly, alcohol-riddled claims of affection (strikes 3-100). Now I feel like going into hiding: I just want to check out for a week, get the hell out of here, or at least drop off the face of the earth for long enough to let things blow over and regain my dignity. Small campus, but shouldn't be too difficult, right? I mean, I have twice as much space to run to as I did last year.

Then again, they were all drunk, too. Will it matter in a couple of hours as we stumble into brunch? If I don't say anything, will they focus on their own galling behavior? Surely I'm not the only one here who does ridiculous things in that state.

Lesson learned: You are how you act. If I want to wake up in the morning with dignity, I need to exhibit more self-control and ask myself, "Can I wake up and feel good about myself after having done this?" If the answer is no, running away and slamming doors is an immature and unacceptable reaction. Looks like it's time to learn how to be honest with myself and gracefully remove myself from a situation.

It's also time for a Sunday morning perspective run. And perhaps a swim.

About Face

Turns out the Midwest is actually gorgeous. Easy to forget that kind of thing when everything is covered in snow. It's finally gone though. Green grass, blooming daffodils... I love it.

I'm sitting on the Forum quad in front of the Pride flag flying in honor of pride week. Speaking of pride, I do believe I have some of my own now. Coming to terms feels pretty good, you know?

Also, in the spirit of outdoor adventures, NEW BICYCLE! My parents would kill me if they knew, but come on, I'll be in this lovely land for two more years and I do enjoy having flying up and down the hills on a light and speedy vehicle. So what if I'm a twenty year old with two road bikes... I make my dollaz, I can spend them as I please. Honestly, I'd rather buy a couple of things that make me happy (spinach and onions for my morning eggs, a gently-used discount Giant) because it noticeably improves my quality of life. What is a life half-lived worth?

Sir, Yes Sir!

I've entered the ranks of the running coaches. My Christmas gift to my mom is to help her train for a 5K road race. She's never run before, but given her stress levels, I think running (or any endurance sport) will benefit her.

My broken foot doesn't feel much better - maybe I should stop trying to do "climbs" on the spin bikes? Also, I may have cracked my shin slipping on some icy stairs three weeks ago. Good thing I can't run anyway. Biking is great though - I took the Carema up to the balloon park and rode loops (the criterion loop) for half an hour. Practiced turning, clipping in and out, and general control. It may take some time to master handling, but I think I'm well suited to cycling, given my long quads and love of prolonged pain.

Carema -ma -ma-ma-ma!

New and proud owner of a used Novara Carema road bike :D

It is gorgeous. Only a year or two old, immaculate condition, clip petals and drop bars. Nevermind that it is REI brand - it was a steal at $325. Also, Mark, my dad's bike-fiend friend (he owns at least five bikes) recommended it as a solid beginner bike.

It's in the shop right now for a basic tune up, but I've got a new helmet, shorts, and shoes (Christmas presents, of course). I can't wait to ride! I never thought being injured would be this much fun. Last spring was awful for me - patellar tracking kept me off my feet for four months - so diversifying my athletic interests is a good idea. No need to stress out when I get hurt, and more cross training might prevent injuries altogether.

Food for thought

Complements of the Team Estrogen community forum:

Just wanted to share my own biking/running journey to give you some hope re: running. Like you, I was a competitive runner but, from college on, was sidelined by injuries over and over again. That went on for 18 years, until last winter, when I decided something had to change and added biking (and swimming) to my running. I dropped my runs from 5-6 weekly to 2-3 weekly. It has been almost a year. I've discovered...

1) I like biking and swimming as much as running!
2) I have had no major injuries over the past year -- a record!
3) Entirely unexpectedly, I am running 5K and 10K times that are as fast as what I ran when I was 18! (I'm 37 now.) Yet... I'm not doing 30-40 mile weeks (though I do hard interval sets), I'm not sore all the time, and I look forward to every single one of my runs.

I never thought I'd be at this point again in my lifetime. Good luck with biking, and enjoy this journey!

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survival and stress fractures

I'm twenty today. I have never before had a birthday that feels like a victory; there was a time when I didn't think I would make it this far, and today represents a success on my part, and perhaps reflects my strong will to live. The self-preservation that effects my thoughts and actions is good for something.

On a . . . lighter? . . . note, the third metatarsal of my right foot is in danger of snapping. I felt the stress fracture break on a run the other week, but I didn't make the connection between pain and broken until a few nights ago. So, running is out for six weeks. As is skiing, hiking, and all of the other things I was looking forward to at home.

I guess I can always bike?